gournalist

Preserve your ignorance

Month: March, 2014

Missing Malaysian Flight MH370 – Most Elaborate April Fool’s Joke in History.

ImageThe missing Malaysian Flight, MH370, was found this morning parked in its hanger.

Several Malaysian Airlines staffers had merely thrown a large tarp over the aircraft leaving co-workers totally perplexed.

“I’ve been dreaming of the moment I can finally say April Fools Losers!” said Malaysian Airlines Hanger Curator Jonathan Devine.

However, Devine has been at the centre of an international outcry with many critics denouncing the hoax as completely “unfunny”. “Joking about this sort of thing goes beyond tasteless. It’s as low as you can go,” said social commentator Sandy Vage.

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Campbell Newman to star in new slasher film

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QLD Premier, Campbell Newman, will play the villainous knife wielding character Slashy McBudget in an upcoming horror film about the Government’s unnecessary debt crisis.

“He was perfect for the role,” said producer Allen Phillips. “He certainly has a knack for cutting things. Especially when they don’t even need to be cut.”

Kevin Rudd has also been cast as a stunt double for every character that gets stabbed in the back.

UFC takes it to the next level.

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The UFC has taken their competition to the next level and brought in a new event: The Death Match. Fighters who compete in the UFC enter are expected to murder their opponent in a ‘fight for ratings’.

“I just think the UFC is losing its impact,’ said one viewer. “I’m so desensitised to the boring, brutalising beatings that I want more, and now that they have introduced the Death Match, I think I’ll be back on board and watch it more regularly.

Fighters are matched up in weight and skill and are locked in a cage until one or both of them are dead. They have a wide selection of killing implements from your average hammer that you can get at a hardware store to a medieval mace.

Fighters usually enter the ring thinking that they are competing in a regular UFC match and don’t realise they are in a Death Match until a solid, steel cage drops around the ring.

“This is to attract more viewers who love to see the fear in the fighter’s eyes when they enter the ring and see a cage imprison them,” Lorenzo Fertitta, CEO and chairman of the UFC told the Gournalist last week. “If fighters refuse to participate, members of the crowd who have bought VIP tickets are given handguns, sniper rifles, and hand grenades to kill the competitors to get the most visceral experience possible.”

Fertitta stated that, “this is a new step in UFC and for all sports around the world. Our audience was getting too bored with the regular fights and resorting to violence on the streets, but with this new Death Match, we can keep their urges for blood thirst contained. The streets will finally be safe.”

Chris Brown says he’s only expressing himself

Chris Brown has landed in hot water again after allegedly assaulting a man outside a hotel in Washington DC.

Sources have told The Gournalist that Brown is in an experimental phase in his career and instead of expressing himself through song and dance, he’s expressing himself through the art of senseless violence.

Brown’s career has been a colourful one with many great hits, most notably, Rihanna.

Brown was still behind bars when interviewed yesterday and stated, “Art is all about the expression of one’s soul, man. I’m an artist and I know a lot of other artists would agree with me on this. What I did to that guy and to Rihanna was just art – my own way of expressing myself. Art is subjective and if you don’t appreciate it or understand it, then it’s obviously not for you.”

Brown is said to release a new concept/experimental album called Layin’ Da Beat Down. It has been said that it’s 78 minutes of Brown and his bodyguards beating people up all over America with a fat bass track.

Black hole sighted in Catholic school

ID-10073348Image courtesy of Victor Habbick / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

A black hole has been located behind the adventure playground at St Joseph’s Primary School in Atherton. The portal to another dimension in question is 4.75 metres in diameter and growing, and poses an immediate threat to the handball courts and tuckshop.

“We are doing everything to ensure the safety and wellbeing of our students,” Principal Christine Walsh said in a statement to the Parents and Friends Association. “We ask for your cooperation during this difficult time.”

The tear in the fabric of spacetime was brought to Walsh’s attention during little lunch on Monday, April 13, when students reported that the playground was “windy”.

First-grader Tegan Manning was playing on the slippery dip when she experienced the collapse of gravity. “I flew right over the monkey bars,” she told an emergency response unit. “My Le Snak disappeared into thin air!”

It took scientists a full week to verify the highly improbable though not 100% impossible quantum thermodynamic event. In conversation on Radio National, Professor Steve Mackay of the Astronomical Society of Australia defended claims that his team was slow to identify the phenomenon. “We had to rule out every possibility,” Mackay said. “It could have been a tropical cyclone, for example. Or a whirlwind. A black hole isn’t something you just leap into.”

The task of trying to keep the all-consuming vortex of lightlessness under control has fallen into the hands of Mr Doug Houghton. In yesterday’s edition of That’s Life!, the retirement-aged groundskeeper expressed his doubts about the project. “I’ve tried rope, cardboard boxes, sticky tape, but nothing seems to work. To be honest, I can’t see a thing. They don’t tell you about event horizons in school, but the sons-of-bitches are dark.”

The singularity has been confirmed as having finite, non-zero temperature. Its exact cause is unknown.

Reggie Dwyer, spokesperson for the Parents and Friends Association and father of two, says that while the void in space and time is “unfortunate”, the parish shouldn’t lose sight of the bigger picture. “We have the lowest NAPLAN scores in the state. Not to mention Mrs O’Connor’s class has been without power for three weeks! As far as I’m concerned, the black hole can take a number and get in line.”

The tuckshop remains open, but the handball courts are strictly out of bounds. At this stage, the ANZAC Day bake sale will go ahead.

Man gets recognised from personalised number plate

Steve Richards received a text-message from a friend telling him that they recognized his personalized number plate last Saturday.

The friend was parked behind his car in a traffic jam on the Bruce Highway, when they established the car belonged to Steve.

“Hey Steve, it took me ages to figure out what it meant, but I eventually got it and knew it had to be you,” wrote the friend.

Steve felt elated that someone had finally noticed his number plate 573VEE, whose letter and number combination took him months of pondering.

“I’m glad the $400 wasn’t a waste after all” he said.

He went on to say that he had to sell his favourite “electronic salt and pepper shakers” and his “plastic ball to dog throwing machine” to pay for the plates, but that it was now “worth it.”

Steve, recovering from a childhood addiction to skill-testing machines and his subsequent alcoholism, has said that he will continue to drive, hoping that more people will notice.

New studies show that drinking alcohol and smoking cigarettes increase chances of having a good time.

A new study shows that drinking alcohol and smoking cigarettes, preferably at the same time, will increase everyone’s chance of having a much better time when out on the town.

The study gathered 30 drinkers and smokers, and 30 non-drinkers and non-smokers and followed them around over a course of one night out in Fortitude Valley.

The study proved that the 30 drinkers and smokers were laughing and socialising at a very high level. The group thoroughly enjoyed each other’s company and some of them even went the distance to have sex with one another.

On the other hand, the sober group sat around on their phones updating Facebook statuses and tweeting things like, ‘I’m so bored!!!!11! What is everyone up to?!?!?!1’ Or ‘Everyone is gross and laughing for no reason!@@@!!!1’. This group did not communicate with each other and when one person did speak, an argument broke out about useless issues, such as boat people, gay rights, the state of Syria and North Korea, and other depressing issues such as misogyny and racism.

Scientists claim that sobriety will lead society down the proverbial drain and good times and hook-ups will be at an all time low if the government keeps on taxing alcohol and cigarettes. A participant from the drinking and smoking group told The Gournalist, “It’s high-time that the government realises that they are party poopers, and they are making it hard for us to have a good time.”

The government still stands by its tax hike and is thinking about putting a tax on, and even considering banning condoms and birth control pills. Tony Abbott spoke about the new tax reform and stated, “It’s unhealthy and wrong for people to have pre-marital sex just for a good time. Sex is a serious activity that requires complete attention on the male’s part in making sure the female will receive his sperm so that she is able to fulfil her duties as a female and produce a baby.”

‘Survivor: Christmas Island’ flops with viewers

ID-100197631Photo courtesy of winnond / freedigitalphotos.net

 

Survivor: Christmas Island, the latest reality TV show to hit Australian screens has flopped miserably with Channel 6 and they are already willing to replace it with I’m an Asylum Seeker get me out of here: Nauru.

S:CI places hundreds of asylum seekers in horrendous, jail-like living conditions with the prospect of one day reaching Australian shores. However, this show differentiates from most reality programs in that the end prize isn’t actually attainable and that there is no week by week eviction. The producers decided that a ‘last man standing’ approach to evicting housemates would be more intriguing.

The majority of viewers were reportedly disgusted that the show forced them to evaluate their right to freedom based on their origin of birth rather than the extreme brutality and malnourishment endured by the contestants.

80% of viewers preferred the mindlessness of Big Brother because they didn’t have to deal with anything slightly thought provoking in the process of watching it.

“I just like escaping my pathetic life for an hour a day,” said one viewer. “It’s either this or acid.”

Another barely coherent viewer said “Thinking = bad, Big Brother = good.”