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Fair Work Commission creates jobs in parliament by cutting politician’s wages

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The Fair Work Commission will cut the wages of all politicians to the national average to encourage millennials to seek jobs in parliament.

What they are calling the ‘entitled payment scheme’ the entitled generation will now be entitled to earn as much as our top politicians.

This decision was made due to the riff-raff and whining millennials make in regards to policies and lack of government cooperation.

This will not be the last of the pay cuts. The Fair Work Commission is coming up with a national wage cut to ‘absolute zero’ in all workplaces, everywhere, forever.

“If we make people work for free, that will encourage employers to employee everyone ever, across the country. Our unemployment rate will be so low it will be in the negatives,” said a representative of the Fair Work Commission.

Image sourced from Parliament of Australia

QLD bans public smoking, allows public masturbation as alternative for stress relief

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As Queensland cracks down on cleaning up public filth a new law as been passed that has banned smoking in all public spaces.

However, as controversial as this new law is, the Queensland Government has decriminalised and encouraged public masturbation to allow smokers an alternative for stress relief.

“At first I was furious,” Brisbane local, Alex Barnaby, told The Gournalist. “But now I can have a ten minute wank break instead and now I’m more productive at my job.”

Sally Freeman, a local single mum says, “I’ve always thought smoking was disgusting. I never smoked a cigarette in my life. But now I don’t have to be ashamed if I wanna give my snatch a good whack while my kids play in the park.”

The new law has also spawned a new fad called “spunkball’. This is where several players engage in a paintball-like game, but instead of paint they use bodily fluids.

The Queensland Government has responded by restricting masturbation to twice a day only and by subsidising condom purchases.

*Image courtesy of dan at freedigitalphotos.net

Dave Grohl is Actually Chad Kroeger

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In a surprising turn of events, Dave Grohl has announced that he is actually Chad Kroeger, front man of the wildly ridiculed band, Nickelback.

It turns out that everyone’s favourite rock star is also one of music’s most hated front men as well

“I’m telling everyone this now because the joke band is actually Foo Fighters and people just started hating on Nickelback for some reason. I guess it shows who the true music fans really are,” Grohl told The Gournalist.

According to Grohl, Foo Fighters weren’t to be taken seriously at all. All of Grohl’s efforts went to what he considered his most artistic endeavour ever, Nickelback.

“The Foo Fighters is actually a parody band of Nickelback and people just didn’t get it. I didn’t have the heart to tell them that their taste in music was appalling. I can’t believe no one picked up on the similarities. I mean both bands basically pump out the same rocking anthems in different ways.”

Grohl still plans on fronting both bands because money.

Shark Viciously Attacked On Land While Going For Casual Stroll

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Yesterday, local Great White, Bruce, swam out onto the beach of Surfers Paradise and was viciously attacked by some human people.

The Gournalist was lucky enough to get an interview with Bruce about the attack. “I jumped up on land and was appreciating the oxygen like most sharks do on land, when a couple of humans jumped me. I was lucky to only have my fin and tail mauled. Humans are so territorial,” he said.

It’s been known that human people mistake sharks as baby seals and their natural instinct is to attack and kill.

Bruce has told The Gournalist that he’ll be rounding up the local shark council to see if they can approve a human culling so their walks on land are much safer.

“If we kill some of the humans in the place they live it will be safer for us to go on land without fear of being mauled.”

We’ve been told that humans should watch out for vigilante sharks in the water taking matters into their own mouths.

*Image Courtesy of criminalatt

Unnamed Australian Playing Card Company adds new ‘Victim Card’ to the deck because white people want to play it.

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In an attempt to be included into minority groups, white people are now able to play the ‘victim card’ because of a new card that has been added to the traditional deck of playing cards.

Instead of having two Joker cards a pack of playing cards will now include two Victim cards instead.

Due to the recent controversy over what is considered ‘racism’ and what is considered ‘playing the victim’ it has been widely argued that white people have not been treated fairly when it comes to being oppressed by the white masses.

Paul Hanson said in an recent interview with The Gournalist: “It’s totally unfair, and quite frankly, it’s disgusting. Aboriginals, Muslims, Asians, and Women all get to play the victim card when we make a joke about their appearance or their culture. But what about us white folk? We feel victimised too. I mean when we…you know…get teased for…you know…when it happens…we can’t do it. But thanks to the new victim card we can claim we are being victimised during poker games.”

This recent change to the traditional playing deck was a reaction to the Adam Goodes booing campaign. Goodes who has recently played the victim card has made a lot of white people angry because he has feelings.

“White people need to fight for rights,” Hanson said. “We feel victimised too. I mean we can’t even call Muslims terrorists anymore without being criticised…I mean take a joke, hey.”

Satirical news-article taken seriously on Facebook

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A satirical news article has been taken seriously by Facebook user and amateur dancer Mary Kay, 28.

The incident occurred late last Thursday when Kay was alerted to the aforementioned article by her Facebook news-feed. She posted a comment confirming her confusion.

“I didn’t even read the article! I just looked at the headline. I wish I could turn back time and do it all again,” a distraught Kay told The Gournalist yesterday.

Since the comment, which has been ‘liked’ by over twenty people, Kay has been the victim of physical taunting, online taunting, and threats of additional and more inventive forms of taunting.

“I just want it all to go away. It was one foolish mistake. I beg of you. Have some compassion and please don’t print this.”

Rick Flash, 22, was online when the comment was first posted. He was the first eyewitness to the scene.

“Yeah, I’ve ben sex taunting her,” said Flash. “Even a bit of soul taunting. But, Jesus H. Christ, learn to fucking read, right?”

Tracey Boo, 12, one of the most vocal defenders of the comment has already started a fund to raise money for greater awareness to satire.

“This happened to Mary, but it could happen to anyone,” says Boo. ‘It’s just that satire is far too subtle these days and no one has time to read beyond the headlines. This is 2014, for Cyrus sake.”

Despite efforts to save face, Kay is facing the fact she may never be able to show her face on Facebook again.

Rick Flash will stand trial later this week.

Image courtesy of photostock at freedigitalphotos.net

Australians aren’t racist. They just hate Muslims.

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In a bid to rid the country of everyone who looks un-Australian, Australia’s population of white Australian people who hate anyone who isn’t white and Australian is going around punching people who don’t look white and Australian.

“We’re just fucking sick of cunts bombing us and terrorising us with their Muslim and un-white Australian way of life. I knocked some un-white terrorist cunt out because he had an un-Australian beard. I was terrified.”

Greg Stewart, a pure-blood white Australian bloke spoke to The Gournalist about how anyone who isn’t born and bred in Australia or white is a fucking terrorist and should be blown the fuck up.

“Me and a couple of me white footy mates are building true-blue Aussie bombs so we can go suicide bomb a mosque. That’ll show the cunts who’s a real terrorist.”

When asked about what an Australian looks like, Mr Stewart replied, “Just your average, natural-looking white bloke who enjoys watching the footy, slamming down a tinnie, having sex with drunk unconscious chicks, and watching more footy.”

Mr. Stewart was beheaded by The Gournalist shortly after the interview.

*Image courtesy of Salvatore Vuono at freedigitalphotos.net

Australian citizen decides to become a terrorist in order to avoid terrorism.

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Australia’s security is on high alert and several arrests have been made in Brisbane and Sydney after some suspicious activity was reported.

It seems terrorism is now on our front door step and Australian citizens are now in fear for their lives and their freedom, and some have decided to take up the philosophy, ‘If You Can’t Beat Em, Join Em.’

Randy Stewart was interviewed yesterday and told The Gournalist, “I was in constant fear that someone would behead me or a member of my family. So instead of living in fear I decided to become a Muslim.”

“Ever since we took up the Islamic faith all we’ve had to put up with is the constant barrage of racial slurs, violence, and requests for us to go back to our own country. Apart from that, I guess it isn’t too bad.”

Mr Stewart also told The Gournalist that being a terrorist is not as fun as the news portrayed it.

“I thought it would be easy, but it’s not easy beheading your family members. My wife and children have strong necks, I can tell you that.”

Randy Stewart has influenced other Australian citizens to take up the Islamic faith for safety reasons.

Shortly after the interview a typical Aussie bloke beheaded Randy Stewart because he was a towel-head.

*Image courtesy of stockimages at freedigitalphotos.net

Scotland now independent because No means Yes.

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Scotland has been blamed for its independence because they were asking for it.

Gerry McHale, a local voter, told The Gournalist, “You can’t really blame us for Scotland’s independence. They were pretty much asking for it by dressing the town up the way they did. Those campaigns pretty much asked us to vote Yes.”

Scotland’s independence will affect their economy and it may take some time for them to recover financially.

It has been rumoured that vote counters counted the ‘No’ votes as ‘Yes’ votes, but no further investigation has been made.

There will no be recount of the votes because Scotland’s new independence will eventually make them stronger and it has taught them to be more responsible in the future.

Men’s Right Movement (MRM) fight for Straight White Male (SWM) privilege

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Bruce Murphy, a MRM spokesperson, told The Gournalist, “The Straight White Male has had to deal with more problems than anyone, ever.”

Murphy explained why the MRM exists and explained why they are constantly being burdened by society.

“The SWM has had to deal with the abolishment of enslaving black people, which has led us doing our own chores around the house.”

“Not only that, but the rise of feminism has given women the right to vote and so forth, which has forced us to wash our own dishes and prepare our own meals.”

“We’ve also been given the burden of treating those who aren’t heterosexual as equals, which pains us even more, because now the gays and the lesbians have the right to flaunt their free and fabulous lives on the streets during their rights parade.”

The recent outrage the SWM is feeling now is the burden of not having the ‘benefit-of-the-doubt’ to freely rape women whenever they choose.

The MRM recently released a campaign to oppose a feminist campaign saying ‘Don’t Be That Guy’ with their original and creative slogan, ‘Don’t Be That Girl’ or ‘bitch’ or ‘loud-mouth-slut-who-should-just-be-happy-she’s-getting-laid.’

The campaign ‘Don’t Be That Guy’ basically means that just because a woman. who is inebriated, says No, it doesn’t mean she’s saying Yes, which has really upset the SWM, because the only right that hasn’t been taken away from him is his ability to have sex with unconscious women.

“The SWM is becoming the most under-privileged person on the planet,” Murphy explained. “Especially now, because soon our ability to have sex with as many unconscious women as possible might be labelled as wrong.”

The MRM’s ‘Don’t Be That Girl’ campaign states that those women who are viciously raped while unconscious should just keep quiet about it, because it’s their fault they can’t handle their booze.

“It’s the SWM’s right as a SWM to take what he wants no questions asked.”

*Photo courtesy of photostock at freedigitalphotos.net