gournalist

Preserve your ignorance

Month: September, 2014

Australians aren’t racist. They just hate Muslims.

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In a bid to rid the country of everyone who looks un-Australian, Australia’s population of white Australian people who hate anyone who isn’t white and Australian is going around punching people who don’t look white and Australian.

“We’re just fucking sick of cunts bombing us and terrorising us with their Muslim and un-white Australian way of life. I knocked some un-white terrorist cunt out because he had an un-Australian beard. I was terrified.”

Greg Stewart, a pure-blood white Australian bloke spoke to The Gournalist about how anyone who isn’t born and bred in Australia or white is a fucking terrorist and should be blown the fuck up.

“Me and a couple of me white footy mates are building true-blue Aussie bombs so we can go suicide bomb a mosque. That’ll show the cunts who’s a real terrorist.”

When asked about what an Australian looks like, Mr Stewart replied, “Just your average, natural-looking white bloke who enjoys watching the footy, slamming down a tinnie, having sex with drunk unconscious chicks, and watching more footy.”

Mr. Stewart was beheaded by The Gournalist shortly after the interview.

*Image courtesy of Salvatore Vuono at freedigitalphotos.net

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Australian citizen decides to become a terrorist in order to avoid terrorism.

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Australia’s security is on high alert and several arrests have been made in Brisbane and Sydney after some suspicious activity was reported.

It seems terrorism is now on our front door step and Australian citizens are now in fear for their lives and their freedom, and some have decided to take up the philosophy, ‘If You Can’t Beat Em, Join Em.’

Randy Stewart was interviewed yesterday and told The Gournalist, “I was in constant fear that someone would behead me or a member of my family. So instead of living in fear I decided to become a Muslim.”

“Ever since we took up the Islamic faith all we’ve had to put up with is the constant barrage of racial slurs, violence, and requests for us to go back to our own country. Apart from that, I guess it isn’t too bad.”

Mr Stewart also told The Gournalist that being a terrorist is not as fun as the news portrayed it.

“I thought it would be easy, but it’s not easy beheading your family members. My wife and children have strong necks, I can tell you that.”

Randy Stewart has influenced other Australian citizens to take up the Islamic faith for safety reasons.

Shortly after the interview a typical Aussie bloke beheaded Randy Stewart because he was a towel-head.

*Image courtesy of stockimages at freedigitalphotos.net

Scotland now independent because No means Yes.

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Scotland has been blamed for its independence because they were asking for it.

Gerry McHale, a local voter, told The Gournalist, “You can’t really blame us for Scotland’s independence. They were pretty much asking for it by dressing the town up the way they did. Those campaigns pretty much asked us to vote Yes.”

Scotland’s independence will affect their economy and it may take some time for them to recover financially.

It has been rumoured that vote counters counted the ‘No’ votes as ‘Yes’ votes, but no further investigation has been made.

There will no be recount of the votes because Scotland’s new independence will eventually make them stronger and it has taught them to be more responsible in the future.

Men’s Right Movement (MRM) fight for Straight White Male (SWM) privilege

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Bruce Murphy, a MRM spokesperson, told The Gournalist, “The Straight White Male has had to deal with more problems than anyone, ever.”

Murphy explained why the MRM exists and explained why they are constantly being burdened by society.

“The SWM has had to deal with the abolishment of enslaving black people, which has led us doing our own chores around the house.”

“Not only that, but the rise of feminism has given women the right to vote and so forth, which has forced us to wash our own dishes and prepare our own meals.”

“We’ve also been given the burden of treating those who aren’t heterosexual as equals, which pains us even more, because now the gays and the lesbians have the right to flaunt their free and fabulous lives on the streets during their rights parade.”

The recent outrage the SWM is feeling now is the burden of not having the ‘benefit-of-the-doubt’ to freely rape women whenever they choose.

The MRM recently released a campaign to oppose a feminist campaign saying ‘Don’t Be That Guy’ with their original and creative slogan, ‘Don’t Be That Girl’ or ‘bitch’ or ‘loud-mouth-slut-who-should-just-be-happy-she’s-getting-laid.’

The campaign ‘Don’t Be That Guy’ basically means that just because a woman. who is inebriated, says No, it doesn’t mean she’s saying Yes, which has really upset the SWM, because the only right that hasn’t been taken away from him is his ability to have sex with unconscious women.

“The SWM is becoming the most under-privileged person on the planet,” Murphy explained. “Especially now, because soon our ability to have sex with as many unconscious women as possible might be labelled as wrong.”

The MRM’s ‘Don’t Be That Girl’ campaign states that those women who are viciously raped while unconscious should just keep quiet about it, because it’s their fault they can’t handle their booze.

“It’s the SWM’s right as a SWM to take what he wants no questions asked.”

*Photo courtesy of photostock at freedigitalphotos.net

Apple releases new Apple Pocket-Watch, Apple Alarm Clock, and Apple Grandfather Clock.

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In a bid to control time after realising trend setting is a lot harder than they had expected, Apple has released a range of smart-vintage timepieces and other clock related products.

“People will benefit from having products that already exist with our signature Apple spin on it,” CEO Tim Cook said at the launch.

Each product will also come jam-packed with U2’s entire back-catalogue, which will include never-heard-before demos and live recording sessions.

It is also rumoured that Apple plan to release the unique Apple Sundial.

A new study finds that the number one cause of misogyny is due to women having very small penises.

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In a new study to find the cause of misogyny, Dr Warren Davis, from the University of Males Leading the Way in Research, has found the number one reason for misogyny.

Davis’ extensive research in the cause of misogyny begins at the primal urges of males and their competitive nature.

“It comes down to competition and trying to outdo each other,” Dr Davis said. “Males have a tendency to want to be better and fight for alpha position, and the only way to win alpha position basically comes down to who has the biggest penis.”

Dr Davis noticed that the males with the bigger penises would act aggressively towards the males who weren’t so gifted and treat them as they would treat women.

“When this became clear, I automatically thought, voilà! The obvious cause for misogyny is that females have the smallest penises.”

Dr Davis and his team are now raising funds for research into penis enlargement for women.

Liberals buy The Great Wall of China as new initiative to ‘Stop The Boats’.

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In his latest effort to stop the boats, Tony Abbott has spent over 900-billion dollars (AUS) purchasing The Great Wall of China.

The Wall will be shipped over brick-by-brick and placed around the Australian borders in order to stop the influx of illegal immigrants coming over to seek asylum.

“The Wall will be renamed The Great Wall of Australia, because this is Australia not China,” Abbott told The Gournalist.

The process of moving the wall from China to Australia will be a lengthy one and will require a lot of workers.

The new wall will bring the unemployment rate to its lowest ever as it will create 400,000+ new jobs in wall maintenance and graffiti clean up.

Iggy Azalea quits being a clown to pursue a career in hip-hop.

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After rising to ultimate fame as a contemporary clown, Iggy Azalea has decided to call it quits and take up a career in hip-hop.

“I’ve always loved hip-hop ever since I was in high school. MC Hammer, Vanilla Ice, and Marky Mark are my biggest influences.”

Azalea’s debut release is still in the works and there have been rumours of guest appearances from K-Fed, Fred Durst, and “that guy from the boy-band Five”. The album looks to be a contender for album of the year at the Grammys next year.

Azalea’s family comes from a long line of clowns, her dad only just retiring from his clown gig after 45 years.

It will be a smooth transition into hip-hop, because most of her clown act incorporates hip-hop beats and dance routines.

When asked why she quit, Azalea told The Gournalist, “I reached the peak of my clown act, emotionally and spiritually, and it’s time for a change. Hip-hop is my calling and I’m going to change the game.”

*Image courtesy of http://xpressmag.com.au/iggy-azalea-hits-1/iggy-azalea/

Local man disappointed to find all women are naked under their clothes.

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Local Brisbane man, Dennis Harrington, was disappointed to find that most women when they’re not clothed are naked just like he expected.

This realisation came to him when a close friend of his contacted him after naked photos of actress Jennifer Lawrence were posted online.

Harrington’s friend, Tom Peepington, noted that the photos were, “hot, sexy, and very naked.”

Harrington decided to see what all the fuss was about and was highly disappointed when he saw like every other nude person—woman or man—that Lawrence was just as disappointingly naked like everyone else.

“I was expecting something exciting and original, maybe a little unusual, but I was left disappointed, like the title of this article suggests. I could have typed in ‘nude person’ into Google and got the same result,” Harrington told The Gournalist.

We asked about whether or not this issue was a sex crime or just a disregard of personal technology when considering phone hacking, Harrington replied, “The real crime here is that people still get excited over naked people. I mean we’re all naked under our clothes anyway.”

Mr Harrington did the whole interview in the comfort of his own nakedness.

 

*Image courtesy of stockimages at freedigitalphotos.net