gournalist

Preserve your ignorance

Month: May, 2014

University students say sex is boring when you’re sober

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A new survey has shown that most university students engage in sexual intercourse while under the heavy influence of alcohol.

This new study, conducted on 40 students, both male and female, shows that when students are engaging in sexual intercourse they prefer to do it while drunk

Daniel Morgan told The Gournalist, “It’s better if you’re both drunk, because if you under perform it’s a lot easier to blame the booze rather than your lack of experience.”

Another student, Alana Harrison, told The Gournalist, “Sex is so boring when you’re sober. Everything is a lot more intense and sometimes you don’t want it to be. Having eight of nine drinks before sex makes it more fun and you’re both more willing to, you know, go down on each other.”

The information gathered from the recent survey shows that a lot of male university students suffer from erectile dysfunction, most likely caused by the constant consumption of excessive alcohol.

*Image courtesy of Ambro / freedigitalphotos.net

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New study finds that new studies on various social issues create other new studies.

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A very in-depth and extensive study done on new studies that look at various social issues has shown that in the process of doing these new studies, other studies are created.

This study has founded a centre of ‘New Studies’ that allows all sorts of people to volunteer themselves to be studied.

The New Studies centre has employed psychologists, social workers, various researchers working in anthropology, archaeologists, musicians, actors, football players, beer drinkers, people who have casual sex with other people who like to have casual sex, women, men, children, the LGBT community, politicians, and even journalists.

After the grand opening of the New Studies centre, a new study was done on people doing grand openings on new buildings and centres and the social impact it has on the community.

Boys around the world still fantasise about ‘getting with’ Emma Watson.

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Although the Harry Potter movie series has come to an end, teenage boys around the world still continue to fantasise about actress, Emma Watson.

“She’s so friggen hot. The things I’d do to get with her,” said president of the Emma Watson Appreciation Society (EWAS), John James. “I set up this society for people who drool at the sight of her like I do and now we’re approaching two million members worldwide.”

The scene involving a passionate kiss between Watson and co-actor Rupert Grint in the last Harry Potter film in the series increased her male fan base tenfold with numerous, sickly obsessed guys claiming, “if Ron can get with her then I sure as hell can.”

When asked what it was about Watson that inspired him to create this growing group, James said, “her hotness,” before shamelessly admitting, “neither me nor any members of the EWAS have any interest in her personal life or who she is as a person.”

In fact, very few of her male fans know anything about her at all aside from the fact that ‘she is smoking hot’.

“Yeah man she’s hot as, but I have no idea who she is as a person. I just want to get with her is all. Like isn’t she American or something?” said Watson fan and EWAS member Justin Costello.

“I would actually make my own sandwiches if I was going out with her,” said another sadly infatuated fan, Jobe Henderson.

When asked about her thoughts on her online appreciation society, Watson herself claimed the members to be “a bunch of creepy, self-degrading lowlifes who don’t have a fucking chance with me.”

 

 *Image courtesy of Watson-Daily.com