New studies show that drinking alcohol and smoking cigarettes increase chances of having a good time.

by gournalist

A new study shows that drinking alcohol and smoking cigarettes, preferably at the same time, will increase everyone’s chance of having a much better time when out on the town.

The study gathered 30 drinkers and smokers, and 30 non-drinkers and non-smokers and followed them around over a course of one night out in Fortitude Valley.

The study proved that the 30 drinkers and smokers were laughing and socialising at a very high level. The group thoroughly enjoyed each other’s company and some of them even went the distance to have sex with one another.

On the other hand, the sober group sat around on their phones updating Facebook statuses and tweeting things like, ‘I’m so bored!!!!11! What is everyone up to?!?!?!1’ Or ‘Everyone is gross and laughing for no reason!@@@!!!1’. This group did not communicate with each other and when one person did speak, an argument broke out about useless issues, such as boat people, gay rights, the state of Syria and North Korea, and other depressing issues such as misogyny and racism.

Scientists claim that sobriety will lead society down the proverbial drain and good times and hook-ups will be at an all time low if the government keeps on taxing alcohol and cigarettes. A participant from the drinking and smoking group told The Gournalist, “It’s high-time that the government realises that they are party poopers, and they are making it hard for us to have a good time.”

The government still stands by its tax hike and is thinking about putting a tax on, and even considering banning condoms and birth control pills. Tony Abbott spoke about the new tax reform and stated, “It’s unhealthy and wrong for people to have pre-marital sex just for a good time. Sex is a serious activity that requires complete attention on the male’s part in making sure the female will receive his sperm so that she is able to fulfil her duties as a female and produce a baby.”