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Tag: Australia

Fair Work Commission creates jobs in parliament by cutting politician’s wages

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The Fair Work Commission will cut the wages of all politicians to the national average to encourage millennials to seek jobs in parliament.

What they are calling the ‘entitled payment scheme’ the entitled generation will now be entitled to earn as much as our top politicians.

This decision was made due to the riff-raff and whining millennials make in regards to policies and lack of government cooperation.

This will not be the last of the pay cuts. The Fair Work Commission is coming up with a national wage cut to ‘absolute zero’ in all workplaces, everywhere, forever.

“If we make people work for free, that will encourage employers to employee everyone ever, across the country. Our unemployment rate will be so low it will be in the negatives,” said a representative of the Fair Work Commission.

Image sourced from Parliament of Australia

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Australians aren’t racist. They just hate Muslims.

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In a bid to rid the country of everyone who looks un-Australian, Australia’s population of white Australian people who hate anyone who isn’t white and Australian is going around punching people who don’t look white and Australian.

“We’re just fucking sick of cunts bombing us and terrorising us with their Muslim and un-white Australian way of life. I knocked some un-white terrorist cunt out because he had an un-Australian beard. I was terrified.”

Greg Stewart, a pure-blood white Australian bloke spoke to The Gournalist about how anyone who isn’t born and bred in Australia or white is a fucking terrorist and should be blown the fuck up.

“Me and a couple of me white footy mates are building true-blue Aussie bombs so we can go suicide bomb a mosque. That’ll show the cunts who’s a real terrorist.”

When asked about what an Australian looks like, Mr Stewart replied, “Just your average, natural-looking white bloke who enjoys watching the footy, slamming down a tinnie, having sex with drunk unconscious chicks, and watching more footy.”

Mr. Stewart was beheaded by The Gournalist shortly after the interview.

*Image courtesy of Salvatore Vuono at freedigitalphotos.net

Australian citizen decides to become a terrorist in order to avoid terrorism.

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Australia’s security is on high alert and several arrests have been made in Brisbane and Sydney after some suspicious activity was reported.

It seems terrorism is now on our front door step and Australian citizens are now in fear for their lives and their freedom, and some have decided to take up the philosophy, ‘If You Can’t Beat Em, Join Em.’

Randy Stewart was interviewed yesterday and told The Gournalist, “I was in constant fear that someone would behead me or a member of my family. So instead of living in fear I decided to become a Muslim.”

“Ever since we took up the Islamic faith all we’ve had to put up with is the constant barrage of racial slurs, violence, and requests for us to go back to our own country. Apart from that, I guess it isn’t too bad.”

Mr Stewart also told The Gournalist that being a terrorist is not as fun as the news portrayed it.

“I thought it would be easy, but it’s not easy beheading your family members. My wife and children have strong necks, I can tell you that.”

Randy Stewart has influenced other Australian citizens to take up the Islamic faith for safety reasons.

Shortly after the interview a typical Aussie bloke beheaded Randy Stewart because he was a towel-head.

*Image courtesy of stockimages at freedigitalphotos.net

Liberals buy The Great Wall of China as new initiative to ‘Stop The Boats’.

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In his latest effort to stop the boats, Tony Abbott has spent over 900-billion dollars (AUS) purchasing The Great Wall of China.

The Wall will be shipped over brick-by-brick and placed around the Australian borders in order to stop the influx of illegal immigrants coming over to seek asylum.

“The Wall will be renamed The Great Wall of Australia, because this is Australia not China,” Abbott told The Gournalist.

The process of moving the wall from China to Australia will be a lengthy one and will require a lot of workers.

The new wall will bring the unemployment rate to its lowest ever as it will create 400,000+ new jobs in wall maintenance and graffiti clean up.

Australians sick of riding kangaroos to work stereotype, start riding kangaroos to work.

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Local Australian, Barry Fisher, has decided to purchase a 2013 model kangaroo to ride to work, because is so fed up with the stereotype of the average Australian riding kangaroos to work.

It is a common question asked by Americans if you’re from Australia: ‘Oh, you’re from Australia? Do you ride a kangaroo to work?’

Fisher, who occasionally visits America, has been asked this question at least ten times, and rather than deny riding a kangaroo to work, he’s embraced it

Fisher stated, “It seems they never learn. So why keep trying to correct them? I figured if I just did it, then it would be an easier conversation. When they ask me if I ride a kangaroo to work, I can just say, yes I do. It’s fuel efficient, reliable, and packs a lot of grunt.

This has started a trend and more and more Australians are opting for a kangaroo over a car, public transport, or walking.

 

*Image courtesy of Michelle Meiklejohn / freedigitalphotos.net

Tony Abbott ‘unapologises’ to indigenous people and pushes to reinstate the White Australia Policy.

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Tony Abbott, has told The Gournalist that he has been waiting for the day ever since Kevin Rudd stood in front of Australia and apoligised to the indigenous peoples of Australia, to take back that apology, or as he so put it, ‘unapologise’.

Sources have told The Gournalist that Abbott’s “To-Do List” included taking back Rudd’s apology as he sees it as a weak attempt for the idea of a forward thinking country.

After Abbott ‘unapologised’ he went ahead and apologised to white Australians who were burdened with all the guilt of their forefathers.

White Australian, Barry Reed, spoke to The Gournalist, “It ain’t our bloody faults is it? I mean, it was me great uncle or great-great-grand papi that did this and they trying to make us feel bad? We have enough trouble as it is being a hard-working Aussie blokes coming straight from privilege to have to do anything or think about anything. I just wanna watch the bloody footy without having to do any thinking.”

Abbott is now pushing to reinstate the White Australia Policy and quoted past Prime Minister, John Curtin, verbatim, “this country shall remain forever the home of the descendants of those people who came here in peace in order to establish in the South Seas an outpost of the British race.

Clive Palmer’s obesity is a result of him consuming his own wealth

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 Courtesy of the Brisbane Times / Bloomberg

Billionaire, Clive Palmer, has told Gournalist that his ever-increasing weight is a result of his fear that he will one day lose his substantial wealth. His fetish for money and being one of Australia’s richest men has led him to consume thousands of dollars a day, literally.

“I started off eating about $500 a day, but that didn’t satisfy me, so I increased my portion to $1000 a day, and when I started getting used to that, I moved it up to $5000,” Palmer stated.

The General Surgeon has spoken out and said, “If he keeps this up, he’ll put on more weight and losing it would be a lot harder, say, if he had just eaten McDonalds or KFC. Because of the rise and fall of inflation and the Australian’s dollar market value, Clive Palmer’s body weight will fluctuate erratically.

It is said that Clive Palmer’s bank account is close to nil and it is believed that he has almost eaten his entire wealth. His status as one of Australia’s richest men hasn’t been tainted as he refuses to go to the toilet, which explains his gargantuan size.

‘Survivor: Christmas Island’ flops with viewers

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Survivor: Christmas Island, the latest reality TV show to hit Australian screens has flopped miserably with Channel 6 and they are already willing to replace it with I’m an Asylum Seeker get me out of here: Nauru.

S:CI places hundreds of asylum seekers in horrendous, jail-like living conditions with the prospect of one day reaching Australian shores. However, this show differentiates from most reality programs in that the end prize isn’t actually attainable and that there is no week by week eviction. The producers decided that a ‘last man standing’ approach to evicting housemates would be more intriguing.

The majority of viewers were reportedly disgusted that the show forced them to evaluate their right to freedom based on their origin of birth rather than the extreme brutality and malnourishment endured by the contestants.

80% of viewers preferred the mindlessness of Big Brother because they didn’t have to deal with anything slightly thought provoking in the process of watching it.

“I just like escaping my pathetic life for an hour a day,” said one viewer. “It’s either this or acid.”

Another barely coherent viewer said “Thinking = bad, Big Brother = good.”