gournalist

Preserve your ignorance

Apple releases new Apple Pocket-Watch, Apple Alarm Clock, and Apple Grandfather Clock.

silver-apple-logo

In a bid to control time after realising trend setting is a lot harder than they had expected, Apple has released a range of smart-vintage timepieces and other clock related products.

“People will benefit from having products that already exist with our signature Apple spin on it,” CEO Tim Cook said at the launch.

Each product will also come jam-packed with U2’s entire back-catalogue, which will include never-heard-before demos and live recording sessions.

It is also rumoured that Apple plan to release the unique Apple Sundial.

Advertisements

A new study finds that the number one cause of misogyny is due to women having very small penises.

ID-10062525

In a new study to find the cause of misogyny, Dr Warren Davis, from the University of Males Leading the Way in Research, has found the number one reason for misogyny.

Davis’ extensive research in the cause of misogyny begins at the primal urges of males and their competitive nature.

“It comes down to competition and trying to outdo each other,” Dr Davis said. “Males have a tendency to want to be better and fight for alpha position, and the only way to win alpha position basically comes down to who has the biggest penis.”

Dr Davis noticed that the males with the bigger penises would act aggressively towards the males who weren’t so gifted and treat them as they would treat women.

“When this became clear, I automatically thought, voilà! The obvious cause for misogyny is that females have the smallest penises.”

Dr Davis and his team are now raising funds for research into penis enlargement for women.

Liberals buy The Great Wall of China as new initiative to ‘Stop The Boats’.

ID-100169267

In his latest effort to stop the boats, Tony Abbott has spent over 900-billion dollars (AUS) purchasing The Great Wall of China.

The Wall will be shipped over brick-by-brick and placed around the Australian borders in order to stop the influx of illegal immigrants coming over to seek asylum.

“The Wall will be renamed The Great Wall of Australia, because this is Australia not China,” Abbott told The Gournalist.

The process of moving the wall from China to Australia will be a lengthy one and will require a lot of workers.

The new wall will bring the unemployment rate to its lowest ever as it will create 400,000+ new jobs in wall maintenance and graffiti clean up.

Iggy Azalea quits being a clown to pursue a career in hip-hop.

index

After rising to ultimate fame as a contemporary clown, Iggy Azalea has decided to call it quits and take up a career in hip-hop.

“I’ve always loved hip-hop ever since I was in high school. MC Hammer, Vanilla Ice, and Marky Mark are my biggest influences.”

Azalea’s debut release is still in the works and there have been rumours of guest appearances from K-Fed, Fred Durst, and “that guy from the boy-band Five”. The album looks to be a contender for album of the year at the Grammys next year.

Azalea’s family comes from a long line of clowns, her dad only just retiring from his clown gig after 45 years.

It will be a smooth transition into hip-hop, because most of her clown act incorporates hip-hop beats and dance routines.

When asked why she quit, Azalea told The Gournalist, “I reached the peak of my clown act, emotionally and spiritually, and it’s time for a change. Hip-hop is my calling and I’m going to change the game.”

*Image courtesy of http://xpressmag.com.au/iggy-azalea-hits-1/iggy-azalea/

Local man disappointed to find all women are naked under their clothes.

 ID-100202808

Local Brisbane man, Dennis Harrington, was disappointed to find that most women when they’re not clothed are naked just like he expected.

This realisation came to him when a close friend of his contacted him after naked photos of actress Jennifer Lawrence were posted online.

Harrington’s friend, Tom Peepington, noted that the photos were, “hot, sexy, and very naked.”

Harrington decided to see what all the fuss was about and was highly disappointed when he saw like every other nude person—woman or man—that Lawrence was just as disappointingly naked like everyone else.

“I was expecting something exciting and original, maybe a little unusual, but I was left disappointed, like the title of this article suggests. I could have typed in ‘nude person’ into Google and got the same result,” Harrington told The Gournalist.

We asked about whether or not this issue was a sex crime or just a disregard of personal technology when considering phone hacking, Harrington replied, “The real crime here is that people still get excited over naked people. I mean we’re all naked under our clothes anyway.”

Mr Harrington did the whole interview in the comfort of his own nakedness.

 

*Image courtesy of stockimages at freedigitalphotos.net

Local brutally murdered man charged with obstructing eight warning shots.

ID-100174324

Local dead man, Marlow Owen, was charged yesterday after obstructing eight warning shots fired by police in Stafford, just outside of Brisbane.

Owen, after robbing a service station, was approached by police after they received a stress call from service station attendant, Gary Jenkins.

After provoking police with a Redskin, which he had stolen, police fired eight warning shots.

Owen, who happened to be in the line of fire, received all eight bullets in the face.

“I acted swiftly and justly. I have a wife and two children. Owen was an unstable character and if I hadn’t fired the standard eight warning shots, who would’ve known what could have happened,” said Constable Greg Caveney.

Owen has been arrested and charged with robbery, possession of dangerous weapon, and obstructing eight warning shots.

Owen will stand trial later in the week and could possibly serve up to seven years imprisonment without parole.

 

*Image courtesy of Serge Bertasius Photography at freedigitalphotos.net

Ice bucket challenge spawns a new challenge to raise awareness for smoking-related cancer.

ID-100222199

The purpose of the ice bucket challenge is to raise awareness for ALS (Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis) and the stunt has gone viral on the internet where even celebrities are getting in on it.

There has been some doubt on whether or not the ice bucket challenge is useless and an out-right joke, but the fact that it is raising awareness can be seen as a positive outcome.

Because of its popularity, the Australian government has created a new challenge to raise awareness for smoking-related cancer, in hopes of increasing donations for research. The challenge is called the ‘five-pack-a-day smoking challenge.’

To partake in the challenge the challenger must smoke five packets of cigarettes within half an hour. The aim is for a non-smoker to realise the effort it takes for one to smoke so many cigarettes and, with any luck, generate some sympathy for smokers who put a lot of effort in doing what they do.

Other efforts are being made to raise awareness for other illnesses, diseases, and anything in general, but some have not been so successful. The ‘fire bucket challenge’ to raise awareness for head lice has already taken 48 lives. The challenge is similar in that the challenger empties a bucket-load of fire onto their head in the hope to clear the infestation of head lice.

 

*Image courtesy of tiverylucky at freedigitalphotos.net

University students say sex is boring when you’re sober

Image

A new survey has shown that most university students engage in sexual intercourse while under the heavy influence of alcohol.

This new study, conducted on 40 students, both male and female, shows that when students are engaging in sexual intercourse they prefer to do it while drunk

Daniel Morgan told The Gournalist, “It’s better if you’re both drunk, because if you under perform it’s a lot easier to blame the booze rather than your lack of experience.”

Another student, Alana Harrison, told The Gournalist, “Sex is so boring when you’re sober. Everything is a lot more intense and sometimes you don’t want it to be. Having eight of nine drinks before sex makes it more fun and you’re both more willing to, you know, go down on each other.”

The information gathered from the recent survey shows that a lot of male university students suffer from erectile dysfunction, most likely caused by the constant consumption of excessive alcohol.

*Image courtesy of Ambro / freedigitalphotos.net

New study finds that new studies on various social issues create other new studies.

Image

A very in-depth and extensive study done on new studies that look at various social issues has shown that in the process of doing these new studies, other studies are created.

This study has founded a centre of ‘New Studies’ that allows all sorts of people to volunteer themselves to be studied.

The New Studies centre has employed psychologists, social workers, various researchers working in anthropology, archaeologists, musicians, actors, football players, beer drinkers, people who have casual sex with other people who like to have casual sex, women, men, children, the LGBT community, politicians, and even journalists.

After the grand opening of the New Studies centre, a new study was done on people doing grand openings on new buildings and centres and the social impact it has on the community.

Boys around the world still fantasise about ‘getting with’ Emma Watson.

Image

Although the Harry Potter movie series has come to an end, teenage boys around the world still continue to fantasise about actress, Emma Watson.

“She’s so friggen hot. The things I’d do to get with her,” said president of the Emma Watson Appreciation Society (EWAS), John James. “I set up this society for people who drool at the sight of her like I do and now we’re approaching two million members worldwide.”

The scene involving a passionate kiss between Watson and co-actor Rupert Grint in the last Harry Potter film in the series increased her male fan base tenfold with numerous, sickly obsessed guys claiming, “if Ron can get with her then I sure as hell can.”

When asked what it was about Watson that inspired him to create this growing group, James said, “her hotness,” before shamelessly admitting, “neither me nor any members of the EWAS have any interest in her personal life or who she is as a person.”

In fact, very few of her male fans know anything about her at all aside from the fact that ‘she is smoking hot’.

“Yeah man she’s hot as, but I have no idea who she is as a person. I just want to get with her is all. Like isn’t she American or something?” said Watson fan and EWAS member Justin Costello.

“I would actually make my own sandwiches if I was going out with her,” said another sadly infatuated fan, Jobe Henderson.

When asked about her thoughts on her online appreciation society, Watson herself claimed the members to be “a bunch of creepy, self-degrading lowlifes who don’t have a fucking chance with me.”

 

 *Image courtesy of Watson-Daily.com